I Thought He Was Acting Out—But He Was Just Looking for Connection

 

For the longest time, I thought my child was acting out.

He was whining.

He was pushing boundaries.

He was doing everything I asked him not to do.

And I was exhausted. Why couldn’t he just listen?

I found myself getting frustrated, snapping, and falling into the cycle of saying things like:

 “Why are you behaving like this?”

“You know better than this.”

“If you don’t stop, I'm going to have to take ___ away.”

But then, I had a moment of clarity. Instead of focusing on his behavior, I paused and asked myself:

 What is he trying to tell me right now?

And in that moment, I saw it clearly:

He wasn’t trying to be difficult. He was looking for connection.

Behaviour is Communication

As parents, it’s easy to label our child’s actions as “acting out,” “being difficult,” or “misbehaving.” But the truth is, behaviour is always communication.

A child who is whining, demanding attention, or testing limits isn’t trying to make our lives harder, they’re trying to get their needs met.

In fact, many of the behaviours we label as “bad” are really bids for connection:

Whining → “I need you to see me right now.”

Defiance → “I feel powerless and need some control.”

Clinginess → “I need reassurance that I’m safe.”

Big emotions/meltdowns → “I don’t know how to handle this feeling, and I need help.”

Children don’t have the words to say, “I feel disconnected.”

So instead, they show us through their actions.

When we shift our mindset from “How do I stop this behaviour?” to “What does my child need right now?”—everything changes.

The Connection Before Correction Approach

The next time your child is “acting out,” try this simple connection-first approach:

1. Pause & Regulate Yourself

• Before reacting, take a deep breath.

• Remind yourself: This is a bid for connection, not manipulation.

2.  Acknowledge Their Feelings

• Instead of shutting down their emotions, meet them where they are.

• Example: “I see that you’re upset right now. That makes sense.”

3. Offer a Moment of Connection

• This can be as simple as:

• A hug or gentle touch

• Sitting down next to them

• Making eye contact and speaking softly

• Saying: “I’m here. Let’s figure this out together.”

4. Then, Address the Behaviour (If Needed)

• Once they feel safe, you can guide them toward a better way to express their needs.

• Example: “I know you’re frustrated, but hitting isn’t okay. Let’s find another way to let out those big feelings.”

Connection Doesn’t Mean Permissiveness

A lot of parents fear that responding with connection instead of consequences will lead to entitled, “soft” kids.

But here’s the truth: Connection doesn’t mean letting go of boundaries.

It means enforcing boundaries with warmth, not punishment.

 

•  “I won’t let you hit, but I will help you with your frustration.”
  
•  “I know you’re mad, but throwing things isn’t okay. Let’s take a break together.”
  
• “I see that you want my attention. Let’s take five minutes to cuddle, and then I’ll finish what I’m doing.”

When children feel safe, seen, and connected, they naturally cooperate more—not because they fear consequences, but because they trust you.

The Day Everything Shifted

The day I stopped seeing my child’s behaviour as “bad” and started seeing it as a call for connection, everything shifted.

I went from feeling frustrated and reactive to calm and present.

My child went from demanding and defiant to secure and cooperative.

And no, it wasn’t a magic overnight fix. I still have hard days. My child still tests boundaries. But now, instead of seeing those moments as battles to win, I see them as opportunities to connect.

Because a child who feels connected is a child who thrives.

Try This Next Time Your Child is “Acting Out”

• Instead of saying, “Stop whining.” → Try, “I hear you. Do you need a hug or a break?”
•  Instead of saying, “You’re being so difficult.” → Try, “This feels hard right now. Let’s figure it out together.”
•  Instead of saying, “Go to your room until you calm down.” → Try, “I’m here to help you through this feeling.”
  

The more we choose connection, the less we have to rely on correction.

What’s one way you bring connection into your parenting? Let’s chat in the comments!